Archive for the ‘loneliness’ category

It seems farther than ever before (I need you so much closer)

18 January, 2007

Out of ideas

Sometimes it feels like time had stopped, and I am unable to take advantage of the situation. I don’t know what to do. I know I can devote myself to my studies, to keep fit, to read… But, I could do that in Spain too.

 

I need to stop feeling lonely, isolated in this small country. I need someone I can tell what I feel, someone I can kiss. Someone to think about. Now my mind is full of love phrases, full of ideas for which I need you to carry out.

 

I always tend to plan my life having into account that you may suddenly appear in my life. I make sure I can leave everything for you. I can still stay in Glasgow next year if you asked me to. I haven’t prepared my life back in Spain. I am still ready for you.

 

I just don’t know what to do next. I am out of words, out of ideas to find you. I don’t know which street to go to find you. I don’t know if it is day or night where you are now.

 

Tonight I will talk to you in the darkness of my room. I will hold you (the pillow will have to pretend). I will tell you how much I wish you were here until I fall asleep and stop suffering.

 

<<<Song: Death Cab for Cutie – Transatlanticism>>>

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Silence

12 January, 2007

Today I took the last subway (we say “subway” in Glasgow, like Americans) from St. George’s Cross. In fact, from Hillhead to Kelvinhall my carriage was empty. I was alone. I tried to invent a metaphor from it, but the journey Hillhead-Kelvinhall takes less than a minute. I forgot to discover that metaphor.

I am sad, for I feel lonely. And I don’t know how to eliminate this loneliness. I don’t really know if finding Mr Right would be the solution.

I have been chatting with a friend who is now in Spain. We have talked about love, life… He is a philosopher. He has made me think in a different way about my current personal situation. He has said something I really need to reflect on:

“I don’t want to need someone to defeat my loneliness; I want to need someone because I love him, not because he will fill my loneliness with his company.”

I leave a link to his blog here (sorry, it’s mostly in Spanish!):

Espacio de Josepdely

 

<<<Song: No song today>>>

Getting lonely, getting old

3 December, 2006

You said your name, but I would assign you a number. You are the same, with different eyes, different voice… you are the same as the others. I’m sorry, I was just feeling lonely. I didn’t want to create false expectations. I knew you just wanted to have sex. I just wanted to talk. Honestly.

Your past is the past of many like you. I didn’t know the reasons that led me take the bus 62, instead of number 9. I shouldn’t have. Now I am here, speaking about you. I will see you again, with another name and another voice. Probably, different eyes. Next time, I won’t speak to you. I need to know what I want. I know I need it. I want to know.

It’s normal to feel lonely in a city. This is just a stupid anecdote which makes me think, though.

I’m alighting here. And I said goodbye. Yes, just a stupid anecdote.

<<<Song: Pink Floyd – Hey you>>>