Archive for the ‘sadness’ category

I am just an actor who forgot his script

24 April, 2007

The last time I was going to write post for my blog, I was going to start saying that sunny days in Glasgow can be quite inspirational. But, actually I didn’t find inspiration to compose a post.

Today, it’s not sunny at all. On the contrary, it’s been raining heavily. Now it is just cloudy. But I don’t care, I am at home. It can pour: I won’t care.

I suppose I am now using my blog to talk to someone as if it were a friend. But I cannot really tell here what’s going on with me… It’s actually a mix with physical and moral unwellness. I may go to the doctor tomorrow.

How long am I still going to be on probation? When can I start enjoying life? When are problems going to stop appearing in my life?

I don’t really miss Spain, but I miss my friends and my family. Here in Glasgow, everybody seems to be very busy. In Spain, my friends would always find a moment for me, would be with me in trying moments. Just the way I do with them. It seems that here the rules are different, or simply, people don’t care enough for me.

What was I expecting, anyway?

<<<Song: Amaral – Sin ti no soy nada>>>

There are some debts you’ll never pay

21 March, 2007

I try to survive and I don’t know why. Different deaths attack me. Different sadnesses.

Once you think about your own death, about the possibility of dying unexpectedly, you regard life in a different way. But sometimes you forget.

I know I fear death because I live in future: I will do, I will enjoy, I will go, I will kiss, I will be loved…

I want to be irresponsible.

Irresponsible. I want to be able to forget. I want to stop remembering. But once you see the light… Oh, yes, once you see the light, what can you do?

<<<Song: Arcade Fire: Intervention>>>

Silence

12 January, 2007

Today I took the last subway (we say “subway” in Glasgow, like Americans) from St. George’s Cross. In fact, from Hillhead to Kelvinhall my carriage was empty. I was alone. I tried to invent a metaphor from it, but the journey Hillhead-Kelvinhall takes less than a minute. I forgot to discover that metaphor.

I am sad, for I feel lonely. And I don’t know how to eliminate this loneliness. I don’t really know if finding Mr Right would be the solution.

I have been chatting with a friend who is now in Spain. We have talked about love, life… He is a philosopher. He has made me think in a different way about my current personal situation. He has said something I really need to reflect on:

“I don’t want to need someone to defeat my loneliness; I want to need someone because I love him, not because he will fill my loneliness with his company.”

I leave a link to his blog here (sorry, it’s mostly in Spanish!):

Espacio de Josepdely

 

<<<Song: No song today>>>

I have no husband, I have no reason to be alive

19 December, 2006

I am sad… Maybe this is where I belong. I don’t know.

I want to wander around Granada hand in hand with my man. But, where is he? How long do I have to wait? Will he really come? I am devastated, I need him, his support. But I don’t know who he is.

Is he in Glasgow?

I wish.

<<<Song: Martha Wainwright – Far away>>>